6/28/2022 - Mammy I love you.

 

Lo-fi in my ears and sunshine outside

I am trying to match my vibes

But the black hole in my chest

Does not let me rest

I digress 

So I just sit in my stress

And try to focus on how I’m so blessed

To live in the US of A 

That’s somehow decided to burn itself to the stake

Over the topics of abortion, and rape

I hesitate;

 to debate with anyone who hasn’t read a book 

From start to finish since 7th grade

Still convinced this is Hades

I wade into the waters of souls

With the single goal

Of finding my Mom

Giving her the biggest hug

 without fear of breaking her anymore

My heart is sore 

Down to its core

I wish I could cry on this floor

But I can't seem to shed a tear

For fear that this is really the end

These are really the last days

But at least now when I die 

I’ll be greeted by my Mothers face.

My sadness is laced with hate

Of this world and everything in it

Except for the animals, bees and trees

She loved those,

They can stay in it

If I was the last one on earth 

I really don’t think I would mind.

Because even when people 

Are being kind

I don’t buy it, for fear 

That there’s always something behind it

But for her sake 

I’ll try not to fake my feelings

I’ll make you proud of my writing 

You always told me I was so good at

I understood that

You loved me despite our disagreements

And I’m so glad you came to love my partner 

Before you had to leave

I must admit I’m slightly relieved

You’re set free

Rest in Peace Gina Marie.

I love you Mammy.

Directionless - Journal 6/2/2022

 I remember pure thoughts and kind faces. 

I remember deep sadness so profound I didn't even know it was mine. 

I remember being told to dream, with such extreme borders that it forced my dreams in one specific direction. 

I remember wanting to lust freely, always finding someone just as lonely willing to look in my direction.

Strangers with the same wanting to dream being pushed and guided in the same direction.

And apparently this is where my brain is leading me today is this sense of direction, or lack thereof.

Probably because all of those years of wandering caused me to contract a literal case of wanderlust. When I am stagnant I feel half alive. Yet when I wander I feel lonely and disconnected. When I am in one state I always crave the other. When I am in one form I always pursue a different one.

Even now while I look outside of my windowpane I find myself analyzing the cracks in the paint of the window itself, instead of the clear blue sky beyond.

I constantly wish that this desire for more, that this inability to be satisfied will stop…

But then when I really think about it that desire itself is life… unguided life without direction. 

The day that ceases to exist it will be because of death. Whether my physical death of this shell, or an internal death inside of me which in all reality is ten thousand times more sad and worthy of grieving.

So may I never stop craving.

May I never be full.

May I never be satiated enough to stop feeling the pull.

Of life and lust itself

Or should I say lust of life itself.

May my life and death cause people to crave

And not just stay in one place, content to die 

In comfort, in vain

With so much life left still in their veins.

May we shake our manes and roar with pride

At the lust for life and love in each other's eyes.

May we fight in kindness and not in lies 

Because remember we will all lie in the same cold hard ground… together.

And we will all meet the Maker, together.

Maybe not at the same time, but remember time is merely a ball of twine.

Waiting to be cut.

Should we not make sure that our children will live and laugh in love 

And not shackled in a hut of hate?

May those who are shackled, learn that they have the key.

And they are open and free to wander directionlessly.